sucker4piano

spill unto me the thoughts in your head.
tell me the moment you knew you were dead.
it came long before your heart ever gave up.
it came long before you grabbed hold of the gun.
 
i think you may have lost hope, when you got thrown out.
i think maybe they'll be regretting that now.
i think it was lost when she said "i don't love you."
i think it was lost when they said "we don't want you."
 
i think it was probably long before that,
when your heart gave in, and finally collapsed.
who knew that a life of misunderstanding,
could lead to nine dead, before your pain finally ending.
 
but now it's too late, your heart's slowing down.
as you lie there bleeding, they all crowd around.
all eyes are on you, for once in your life.
now the question: do you see fire or light?
 
your hands are getting cold, and everyone's glad
you won't see the next day...a day i wish you had.
"maybe now they'll see," i'm sure you thought.
maybe now they'll see, their son was long lost.
 
but now you're famous, killer of nine.
i see your face on the news all the time.
i'm suppose to believe you're some kind of monster.
but now can i, when i look so much closer?
 
because inside that heart, that is now six feet under
lived a broken little boy, whom we'll never recover.
and when i'm with the angels, i'll watch from above,
to make sure no one else will live without love.

Saline drops to my collar bone and I attempt to catch myself. I don't know what's going on here. How did I let it get this bad again?

Where is my head and how did I let it get away again? I search for the snag behind my eyes, for the bite in my conscious that's causing my cerebral scrambling...but I don't believe it exists...no conclusion yields no solution...

I'm a canvas painfully scrubbed and scratched clean. My identity gone.

Took the best of all that I am and gave it to everyone else to claim as their own. Nothing left for me.

Starting today, I'm taking the best with me, rebuilding who I was, and moving on from here.

I'll have all of me, and you'll realize what you took for granted.

these small hours are when i become the person i've been running from. the person i'm constantly trying to outgrow. the person i thought i'd left behind months ago.

these small hours are when i crawl inside my head without a flashlight. without a trail of pebbles to lead me safely out. without a map of the depth or rugged terrain.

these small hours are when i sneak up on myself. when i could be in a crowded room of people, and still be completely alone. when i grab 'hold of my own pedestal, and shake shake shake the foundation.

these small hours are when my head turns "what if's" into certainties. when every note sounds harsh and sour. when my throat is always dry.

these small hours are when i fend for myself. when i try to be proactive, but nothing can be done. because you're dreaming, and i'm wide awake.

these small hours are when i need pills to fall asleep. when i need a chemical to tell my body to do what it should naturally do. my head spins so much, it makes me sick.

these small hours are when i rage for the thrill. when i cry for the warmth. when i bleed for the sensation.

these small hours are when i convince myself i'm broken. i'll never be fixed. i'll never be fixed.

these small hours are when i lose hope. lose god. lose everything.

when i run out of words...

i am static.

You only come alive when the light turns you on,

Getting wet, we catch a glimpse before you're long gone.

You've got attraction down to science, arousing dormant senses,

And we all become photographers, dusting off our lenses.

Your chemistry of color drags the recluse to the street,

The thunder and the lightning now sulking in defeat.

For you've won us over with your purity and grace,

I'll search high and low for your intangible hiding place.

I just can't turn my gaze as your yellows fade to reds,

As some make you their religion, casting praise over-head.

Oh please take me home with you, where your colors never die,

Where water paints us pictures, and the light always complies.

I could survive the days God kept throwing in my face,
Seventeen years to know I need to get out of this place.
A voice on the phone was mysterious and new,
Took me too long to realize what to do.
Hung up the phone and erased all the growth,
With pills or a bottle...a couple times both.
But what I didn’t know is he grabbed ’hold of my head,
Shook all the pain loose and left my defense cold and dead.
For seventeen years I’ve been packing up boxes,
Just to find one person who knows where the lock is.
And now we’re finding keys, that I didn’t hide well,
And he’s earning the secrets, I swore I’d never tell.
Now my soul is in his hands, he has help from above.
Now I live the days I’m given, because now I have love.

I'll put down this drink if you take me outside.

Sit here in the cold until this haze subsides.

I'm lost in my head, please keep hold of my hand.

It's the only way I know I'll come back again.

I've done all that I can to forget for tonight,

About everything that I haven't done right.

But all that I've done is slow down my speech,

Can't hear me yell "help" until you get up and leave.

I'm screaming inside, why is nobody hearing?

In a room full of people, but now they're all clearing.

And I go unnoticed, outside in the snow.

The fog finally lifting, now which way to go?

I walk through the front lines of the competence war,

They forgot why they were fighting--now strewn on the floor.

In the morning they'll sport all of their battle wounds.

Hickeys and headaches that will be gone around noon.

I walk home feeling empty as the sun starts to rise.

It's no wonder no one ever gets out alive.

Here's a link to the story about the shooting in Omaha. http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/05/mall.shooting/index.html

sympathy for the shooter

spill unto me the thoughts in your head.
tell me the moment you knew you were dead.
it came long before your heart ever gave up.
it came long before you grabbed hold of the gun.

i think you may have lost hope, when you got thrown out.
i think maybe they'll be regretting that now.
i think it was lost when she said "i don't love you."
i think it was lost when they said "we don't want you."

i think it was probably long before that,
when your heart gave in, and finally collapsed.
who knew that a life of misunderstanding,
could lead to nine dead, before your pain finally ending.

but now it's too late, your heart's slowing down.
as you lie there bleeding, they all crowd around.
all eyes are on you, for once in your life.
now the question: do you see fire or light?

your hands are getting cold, and everyone's glad
you won't see the next day...a day i wish you had.
"maybe now they'll see," i'm sure you thought.
maybe now they'll see, their son was long lost.

but now you're famous, killer of nine.
i see your face on the news all the time.
i'm suppose to believe you're some kind of monster.
but now can i, when i look so much closer?

because inside that heart, that is now six feet under
lived a broken little boy, whom we'll never recover.
and when i'm with the angels, i'll watch from above,
to make sure no one else will live without love.